"they have succumbed to vices which they could have resisted successfully..." Berlin, Herder & the Enlightenment
"I will not play a game rigged against me." GCanuck, 2014 see also http://www.reddit.com/r/AskMen/comments/1z08ib/how_do_men_not_just_give_up/
"I know a guy who, as far as I can tell, is fairly average in terms of attractiveness, yet cannot find a woman to save his life. At one point he made a habit out of going for the least attractive 10% of women in a bar, and he still didn't get anywhere." Legolas the elf, 2014
"From weariness yawneth he at the path, at the earth, at the goal, and at himself: not a step further will he go,- this brave one!...I love the brave: but it is not enough to be a swordsman,- one must know WHEREON to use swordsmanship!" Nietzsche, Thus Spake Zarathustra
"I did just give up. I don't know how good a relationship is and I no longer care. It isn't worth it to me anymore. You can only bash your head into the wall for so long." Lemonwizard, 2014
"I cannot imagine ever trying to pick up/meet women in random places. It sounds like a fucking nightmare." Vincent Grayson, 2014
"if women are going to pretty much shut down every avenue for approaching them (bars ["I just want to hang out with my friends"], clubs ["I just want to dance!"], bookstores ["Don't interrupt my reading!"], grocery stores ["I HAVE to go here, don't bother me."], classes/workshops ["I'm here to learn, only!"], etc), what avenues ARE available for meeting women organically (eg. not via dating website/match-makers)?...If faced with this kind of backlash, honestly, I'd probably just give up...So therein lies the question: How/Why do you not just give up on the whole dating scene? Why do you continue to try to date in the face of all these blocks?"
"if the times themselves, despite all their hustle and bustle, provide him with neither hopes nor prospects, if they secretly supply him with evidence that things are in fact hopeless, without prospect or remedy, if the times respond with hollow silence [then]...the situation will have a crippling effect..." Thomas Mann, Magic Mountain
(1) The truths below were earned- as all primary GOOD truths must be- in an emotionally brutal manner: "The need to let suffering speak is the condition for all truth." (Theodore Adorno) These truths will also be expressed emotionally: "And through it all, I stood and stumbled, waded through my thoughts and heart Yeah through it all, I fooled and fumbled." (Ben Howard, These Waters)
Attempting to move beyond random matings of lust as existentially futile as they are empty, the blog author devoted nearly THREE (3) years of his prime adult life "going out" hoping to meet a single lovely soul to eventually become his lifetime romantic partner for 50, 60, perhaps even 70 years of life. This "highest hope" has been with the blog author for several decades, is totally "natural," but has never reached fruition, on the West Coast, the East Coast, or anywhere else: "Let your love to life be love to your highest hope; and let your highest hope be the highest thought of life!" (Nietzsche, Zarathustra) It is the greatest of goods to journey through life- with all of its blessings, stresses, and challenges- with a kindred spirit with you every step of the way. The appreciation of this GREAT good as greatly good is grasped deeply by those who recognize that "men are made miserable not only by poverty, disease, stupidity, or the effects of ignorance, but also because they are misfits or outsiders or not spoken to, that liberty and equality are nothing without fraternity..." (Berlin, Herder and the Enlightenment) The emotional nourishment that this coupling activity provides is second to none, and there are no "cheap" substitutes: "Light does not nourish men, order and affluence are not enough; still less technical accomplishment..." (same)
Fearing future regret of possibilities unpursued, the blog author didn't want these prime years of (relative) youth to pass without making an earnest ENDURING effort to meet that special person. Since 2011, he made it a very top priority to get out there and meet someone. The hope was that someone could be met quickly and time then devoted to the only romantic task that ever matters, strengthening and deepening the relationship. This "going out" activity occurred primarily in LA, and in every part of this otherwise magnificent great city (Manhattan Beach, Santa Monica, Venice, Downtown, Pasadena, Glendale, Sunset, and Hollywood were the primary destination points). But nights "out on the town" were also had in Baltimore, Miami, New Haven, Las Vegas, Palm Springs, San Diego, San Francisco, New York City, Seattle, Chicago, DC, Knoxville, and several other cities. In total, the blog author visited some 300+ bars/clubs in the past three years and went out some 3-5 nights per week!!! The blog author went out primarily by himself, and dressed as well as he could on each of these nights. And he politely attempted to strike up a conversation wherever and whenever with seemingly interested women (who were, to be clear, few and far between). Not one night did he get drunk nor lose control.
Still, for all that, the blog author met not one compatible romantic soul during all these nights out, anywhere at any time. Though interspersed with a few "happy moments" here and there, a few beautiful tunes that blared while a gorgeous sunset was appreciated, this was overall a dark aimless pathetic sad WANDERING: "because they ATE badly; from thence resulted their ruined stomach." (Nietzsche, Zarathustra) Regardless of where he was- from Manhattan Beach to Manhattan's financial district- not one halfway-decent intelligent conversation was maintained, even for five minutes. Not one conversation with any person, male or female, touched his heart or moved him emotionally in any which way. Not one conversation ventured beyond banalities such as where one grew up, what one does for a career, what part of town one lives, and what one's favorite hobbies are. Not one person asked him a question that made him STOP and evaluate the potential response. Excluding waitresses and bartenders programmed to be friendly and flirty to receive a tip, no more than five or so women approached him to initiate conversation (he was usually asked "why are you here alone?"). Truly a nightmare, for the blog author and (as the Reddit forum plainly reveals) many other SIAM members of his generation: "See just how it enticeth them to it...How it swalloweth and cheweth and recheweth them!" (Nietzsche, Zarathustra)
What, then, did these "going out" nights actually consist of? What actually occurred during all this time? Well, not much, not much at all. A big fat nothing. The blog author blankly stared at (primarily) cheap LCD TV screens showing random sports games, listened to fairly bad top 40 "music," ate "happy hour" (the ultimate misnomer) food and drinks, and continuously acted (ahem faked) that he was "having a great time" amidst all this mundanity: "ye have learned- like the flamingo- to stand long hours in shallow pools." (Nietzsche, Zarathustra) As closing time approached, he then signed the bill (which, in total, amounted to $10k or so), profusely thanked everyone that served him, and left the premises feeling pretty dejected, rejected, and sad (with a 30+ minute drive home to reflect on the "experience" that just was. In retrospect, there was no "experience" but more of a drab routine.)
Because we here believe the "unexamined life is not worth living" (Plato, Apology) questions must be posed: How and why has this most simple of routines- the act of a single 30+ year-old man meeting a single women- become next to impossible in modern civil society? How and why was it possible for one to get nowhere romantically even when one places oneself "out there" time and time again? Why must the man always make the first move? Why must the man- usually- do nearly all the work to maintain a conversation or set up a first and second date? How and why is the "bridge" between the sexes becoming ever wider, so wide that willing men are "shut out" from even talking with willing women? ("Something in the way, mmmmm, something in the way, yeah, ummmm" Nirvana, Something in the Way) How can one maintain that a nation is "progressing" when this is how it handles this most vital of activities of matching persons romantically?
Wanting to remain optimistic and "hopeful" (this whole miserable ordeal was the blog author's absolute last flirtation with thoughtless optimism)- and hoping (wrongly) that his Middle-Eastern nationality and ethnicity was not being held against him- the blog author tried to stay "optimistic," thinking that a different night, in a different bar, in a different part of town, with a different crowd would magically make all the difference in meeting that one compatible soul. It never did and by the last six months to a year "going out" became just another chore, another futile routine certain to end in dejected failure. Gradually, the fear of being rejected became the certainty that one would get rejected, every time, no matter the circumstances, no matter where one was; like a bad job, fear is replaced by resignation and you no longer care, you are totally "numb" to it: "they don't bother to ask you questions, you don't bother to do any work." (Thomas Mann, Magic Mountain) To be disappointed with some result is to have expected something better to happen; when you expect nothing good to happen it's almost impossible to "land" in disappointment. The only alternatives are between bad, really bad, and awful. It all becomes one bad movie that you've seen many times before; you know every bad scene.
Talk about an infinite loop achieving NOTHING, all for the bad: "Shall he then who knoweth...act like him who is blind? Men of insight only will bear this in mind." (Holy Koran) The blog author began this journey in obedience to the "common sense" view that it's "good" to "get out there" and "meet some single ladies." ("And long didst thou belong to the herd, The voice of the herd will still echo in thee." (Nietzsche, Zarathustra)) A simple and innocent enough motive which never should have taken this complicated, this difficult, this excruciating, this nauseating, this tedious of a path. Really. Conversations should have quickly been initiated everywhere, at all times. These conversations should have been pursued with humor, with intelligence, with interest as to who the other person was right there (sitting inches away from you), with playfulness, with genuine curiosity, with openness to the possibilities for something great developing: (a) "In the true man there is a child hidden: it wanteth to play. Up then, ye women, and discover the child in man!" (Nietzsche, Zarathustra) & (b) "Who am I, darling to you? Who am I? Gonna tell you stories of mine, Who am I?" (Ben Howard, Promise)
Is this too much to expect nowadayz? Why? Apparently, it is FAR too much to expect in this most digitally connected of times when people are connected digitally to THOUSANDS but yet can't connect at anything beyond the level of banality face-to-face with people sitting inches away.
In any event, three years later- and faced with present dating realities and environments that are not improving- the blog author can no longer maintain the illusion that it is "good to get out there" to "meet some ladies" and will abandon this theory as a stupid pernicious illusion: (a) "Who would still HOLD ON to 'good' and 'evil'?" (Nietzsche, Zarathustra) & (b) "And when he had reached his age of strength we bestowed on him judgment and knowledge." (Holy Koran) & (c) "Can thou give unto thyself thy bad and thy good, and set up thy will as a law over thee? Can thou be judge for thyself and avenger of thy law?" (Nietzsche, Zarathustra) There may have been a time and a place when this theory held good, but now is no longer that time. Today's dating environment causes much more human degeneration than it promotes human actualization. It should not be a game at all- but it is one- and a "game" with rules that are arcane, stupid, incoherent and senseless. The players in the game hardly understand the purpose of any of the conflicting rules but still try to abide by them for unknown reasons, all for the bad:
Hardly alone in doing this, today's dating environment consistently prevents single persons from living the best life possible, by repeatedly deceiving them about who they really are, what they really want from a partner, and how they should act to earn the attention/love of another human person. The very notion that one should change significant aspects of one's character (which traits are not in the least "bad") simply to attract members of the other sex is itself totally preposterous. Not one person is improved by this process, even if the relationship that ultimately develops from this process finally causes maturation, etc.
As a thinker who reflects, and reflects very deeply, on what it means to live the best possible human life, such a dating environment is simply incompatible with our core values. As between continuing to "do" this dating environment and maintaining our core values, we will choose our core values, every time. The best human life and the best human beings are, as Nietzsche rightly saw them, self-affirming in the sense that the most powerful forces within the self are naturally expressed in an environment "saturated with life and passion" and with human beings that are "bursting with strength and necessarily active." (Nietzsche, WP) Further, the best human lives and the best human beings are, as Plato and Aristotle rightly saw them, rationally justifiable or, at the very least, rationally coherent. When we understand today's dating environment for what it really is- with tons of men huddled in the corner of a bar/club hoping that some lady looks briefly in their direction so that they can "approach" with some witty one-liner pre-packaged to "impress" - we see that this environment makes a mockery of any notion of self-affirmation or rational coherence, a mockery indeed: "The worst sin is to mutilate oneself...in the service of some false aesthetic...ideal." (Berlin, Herder and the Enlightenment) As explained in detail below, sticking just to the facts and realities- without any hyperbole or other ruse- one can plainly reject this environment and STOP "doing it" out of a love for the GOOD, basic human dignity and self-respect, and many other virtues we hold dear: "Seems everything around here/Stays like stone/Seems it's about time darling/About time we let this all go." (Ben Howard, Everything)
(2) All human environments can be judged on a continuous scale from the very smartest to the very stupidest: (a) "and when the truth is gone, what remaineth but error?" & (b) "God hath not created all this but for the truth." & (c) "Seest thou not that in truth hath God created the Heavens and the Earth?" (all from Holy Koran) & (d) "Whatever can be, will be. All potentialities will be realised." (Berlin, Herder and the Enlightenment) Today's dating environment that the single (heterosexual) intelligent authentic male (the SIAM) faces is close to the very stupidest possible environment imaginable.
Although this dating environment purportedly exists to bring together compatible partners so they can experience the highest human GOOD of LOVE, it makes an absolute mockery of love, itself, the respective sexes, heterosexual life, human communication, human dignity, and everything in between: "don't you think [he] would think we had been brought up among the most vulgar of sailors, totally ignorant of love among the freeborn?" (Plato, Phaedrus) What a travesty, what a mockery, what a ridiculous perposterosity for single persons of both sexes to exist so close to one another and simply be unable to communicate, mingle, enjoy each other's company face to face, and evaluate each other on the basis of things that mattered: "Something in the way, mmm, something in the way, yeah, ummm" (Nirvana, Something in the Way)
The only persons benefiting from this environment are the bar and club owners that charge $8-10 for a cheap bottle of beer and the women that have their egos constantly stroked from desperate men staring them up and down. If one was charged with the task of coming up with an even stupider dating environment than the one presently existing, then one would fail, every time. We should not have to belabor the point that the lover of GOOD will stay very far away from the stupidest human environments: (a) "And so, my friend, I must purify myself." (Plato, Phaedrus) & (b) "there are men who aspire to purity, and God loveth the purified." (Holy Koran)
(3) The single (heterosexual) intelligent authentic male (the SIAM) studied and worked hard in his 20s and thusly could not sustain a relationship in those years.
(4) By the time he hit 30, he had more time but by then a large number of women in his peer group had already married or found themselves wrapped up in long-term relationships. These women are off the table.
(5) At this point, the SIAM must evaluate where he is reasonably likely to meet a reasonably attractive, intelligent, approachable, authentic non socially-programmed single woman. This is where the SIAM's situation becomes acutely problematic and depressing. The problem, simply stated: THERE ARE NO SUCH PLACES.
(6) Bars and clubs are one of the only places in any town where a SIAM can theoretically approach women for romantic purposes. If a SIAM approaches a woman anywhere else, he is immediately deemed a "creep" or even a potential criminal. Try flirting with a woman on the street and see how that goes. Try flirting at the beach with a woman that is reading a book, texting on her phone, and has earphones on. Go ahead. Try.
When the SIAM goes to bars and clubs, he quickly notices the overwhelming majority of persons there are single men hungry and desperate to meet an attractive woman: "Have thou no doubts therefore concerning that which they worship: they worship but what their fathers worshipped before them..." (Holy Koran) The next largest group of persons present are "off-limits" women with their husbands, boyfriends, or guy friends. What few single women are there are congregated in large groups, generally NOT wishing to be disturbed and not looking for a second in any male's direction. They are more interested in gossiping with each other as well as texting and staring at their smartphones than speaking with the SIAM: "But it was not us whom they injured but they injured their own selves." (Holy Koran) Ridiculously, one frequent topic of discussion in these groups is why it is so difficult to meet "good men!" (put down your friggin' phone, be more approachable, stop imposing onerous requirements on men, and you may meet someone? ) In any event, these women effectively are off the table for the SIAM.
(7) If, miraculously, the SIAM is able to break into one of these groups he will find it difficult to maintain an intelligent authentic conversation with the female individual. This is not because women are stupid or unintelligent. Rather, what has happened is women have been very effectively socially programmed to look for a "check-list" of things that are desirable in a man, a checklist that often has nothing to do with whether these men will be good long-term partners for such women (such checklists do in fact include one's race, nationality, height, hair and eye color, and bicep size). Women are, by and large, not making truly independent choices these days of who to love; they are letting the checklist make the choices and they have not stopped to evaluate whether those factors contribute at all to love, loyalty, or a couple's happiness. Women will forever deny that any of these superficial checklist factors motivate their romantic choices; but all you need to do is simply LOOK at their romantic choices and the truth is there in plain view. One thing you will notice, wherever you are, is tall, fit, relatively affluent, white men with brown or blonde hair doing fantastic! What a surprise! But where is the evidence that such men are better lovers, more honest, more loyal, and so on? Indeed, a recent study found that shorter men tend to be better partners. Such checklist choices on the part of women make clear that they are having great difficulty halting the unimpeded forces of unreason.
In any event, the female checklist includes a whole host of desired physical attributes in a man. Research confirms that women prefer a man that is eight inches (nearly a whole foot!) taller than them (the blog author is 5'5 and hence can only attract women that are 4'9. such women essentially don't exist). Research also confirms that women prefer men of their own race and men that make lots of $$$:
not merely difficult to formulate, or impossible to realize in practice, but incoherent and unintelligible.
(Berlin, Herder and the Enlightenment)
Women can now eliminate men based on any of these and other reasons because the available pool of men from which they can choose has exploded tremendously. With the internet and the smartphone, any single woman has immediate access to literally hundreds of thousands of single men at any time:
(8) Both the SIAM and non-SIAM men get that women have been socially programmed this way. Through trial and error, most men thusly become adept at "crafting" their message and remarks to avoid these negative consequences: "Hypocritical men and women imitate one another." (Holy Koran) Men typically don't tell women they watch a ton of porn although they in fact do this. Men typically don't tell women they hate every moment of their jobs although they do. Men typically don't tell women their last relationship went sour because they cheated on their girlfriend/wife. Many men DO read books and enroll in "boot camps" where they are instructed as to "code words" to use with women, how often to text them and what to say, and all the rest. Men trained in this fashion generally keep their remarks goofy and light, away from any sensitive areas that would activate the female socially programmed "undesirable male" checklist: "With their mouths they will content you, but their hearts will be averse." (Holy Koran) They hide- and hide deeply out of a sense of fear- who they are just to "have a shot" with these women. They act essentially like "buffoons" and speak endlessly of their favorite foods and drinks, vacation spots, the weather, TV shows, and places to grab cheap stuff.
However, since the SIAM is "to the core" authentic ("To be true- that CAN few be!" Nietzsche, Zarathustra), he refuses to engage in this kind of infantile behavior: "under no conceivable circumstances would he have been willing to do that....he saw absolutely no reason why he should...that is why we do not call him mediocre." (Thomas Mann, Magic Mountain) He finds such behavior deeply revolting to his sense of self, manhood, and human freedom which he prizes very highly. Refusing to be inauthentic he is quickly eliminated by almost all women for his "strange" characteristics. What very small number of women he momentarily "wins over" at the bar/club (this happens once or twice every six months) end up flaking on him more times than not, giving him the "I prefer to be friends" speech after one or two dates, or boring him to sleep with their inane comments, questions, and concerns ("What is your favorite restaurant here in town"): "Preserve me from all small victories!" (Nietzsche, Zarathustra) First or second dates these days consist of both parties exchanging various that's "cool" "neat" "amazing" and- most commonly- "awesome" in response to whatever random thing the other person just said; when one reflects on it, hardly any of the things mentioned are actually amazing, awesome, or even neat. But it's simply boring nauseatingly KIND autopilot, all the time, with no discernible purpose or deviation: (a) "they had long since learned how to ravage time without diverting or employing their minds, had become virtuosi at putting time behind them." (Thomas Mann, Magic Mountain) & (b) "Oh that their best is so very small! Oh, that their worst is so very small! Thus did I laugh." (Nietzsche, Zarathustra)
This is sort of the BIG point, right here. The prize at the end of this rather dark tunnel is a date or two (every six months or so) with a lady one has somehow magically met at these bars/clubs. If they don't flake, the eventual outcome is usually a boring date where one doesn't connect and spends several hours discussing various mundane matters neither party really cares about. This experience resides squarely in our category of the NEUTRAL. There is really not much to condemn here, but there is also not much to get excited about, not much to admire nor respect, and not much to sacrifice time, money, and emotional attention in the hope of "getting." If you want to bore yourself for a couple of hours experiencing mundanity there are an infinity of ways you can do this outside of a date with a woman you met at a bar. Listen to political convention speeches, top 40 music, or watch college football games where one team is favored to beat the other by 50 points.
(9) Returning to our SIAM, he is- obviously- left utterly alone. He badly wanted to meet someone compatible but he simply can't. There is no easy solution here because this situation involves the behavior of persons the SIAM can't control. Unfortunately, the SIAM still does have his INVOLUNTARY biologically recurring sexual impulses toward women: "each of us is ruled by two principles which we follow wherever they lead: one is our inborn desire for pleasures, the other is our acquired judgment that pursues what is best." (Plato, Phaedrus) But these cannot be fulfilled in traditional ways. The choice remaining for the SIAM who wishes to remain authentic is a stark one: remain celibate and alone or turn to porn and other forms of sexual debauchery to somehow tame the sexual impulses. Sadly, many SIAMs are opting for the latter vices because they have literally nowhere else to turn to deal with the sexual impulses (to be clear, these things are vices and don't terminate in the GOOD). They go out, meet no one, and are left with these impulses raging stronger than ever. The problem is that such turning to sexual vices only increases and exacerbates the sexual impulses, placing the SIAM in a worse position than he was before. Desires continue to get strengthened with no way to satisfy them.
(10) In light of the above REALITIES, SIAMs devoted to human GOOD will remain deeply embedded within a pessimistic orientation as to the current dating environment realities: (a) "So leave we those who hope not to meet Us, bewildered in their error." (Holy Koran) & (b) "Therefore, o my brethen, a NEW NOBILITY is needed..." (Nietzsche, Zarathustra) They may still "go out" as complete & TOTAL social isolation is unhealthy but they will not go out to bars or clubs with the purpose of meeting women. They could, for example, still go to jazz/EDM or other clubs where music is performed for the experience of listening to music. When they do this, they will barely look in the direction of women because they know it is all a senseless "time-ravaging" activity. (Thomas Mann) And they will certainly NOT make selections of where to go out based on whether the selected place has many attractive women or not. Or they could go to a bar with a friend just to "get out of the house" for a while. But, again, the dominant purpose or intent is incredibly different.
Importantly, SIAMs will not believe that they are ACTUALLY undesirable, "weirdos," "uncool," unattractive, or unloveable. To the contrary, they will believe they are wonderful, authentic, energetic, loyal, kind, and emotional human beings:
But they will see that this is not how they are perceived by the current dating environment and that- within this environment- perception IS effectual reality.
The only hope for the SIAM is an organic relationship that develops- against all the odds- with a female that has no "checklist," that does not make this most important of decisions of a lifetime partner based on social programming. The chances of this "organically" happening are ridiculously low and so we continue to advocate a firm encampment within pessimism (at this point "realism" may be the better word) to avoid the unnecessary suffering that romantic hope and optimism inevitably inflicts.
In the meantime, perhaps men should also develop a unique non-socially programmed checklist of their own for what they want in a woman. Things like will pay attention to me when I speak rather than checking her phone constantly. Things like does NOT value social media popularity. Things like will respond to all emails and texts I send her. Things like will initiate interesting conversational subjects with me regularly. Things like has sustained unique interests outside of the socially programmed approved female activities of shopping, cooking, home organization/cleaning, and (increasingly) pet ownership. Things like values athletic excellence (not just burning a few calories to stay "slim") and works hard to achieve it. Things like appears to be an independent self with opinions that are articulate, well-thought out, and uncommon. Things like has recently read a book of substance, meaning, and value.
(11) We have "nailed" the above discussion and conclude thusly: (a) "He has omitted nothing worth mentioning about the subject, so that no one will ever be able to add anything of value to complete what he has already said himself." (Plato, Phaedrus) & & (b) "O my soul, I delivered thee from all byplaces, I brushed down from thee dust and spiders and twilight...O my soul, I gave thee the right to say Nay like the storm..." (Nietzsche, Thus Spake Zarathustra) & (c) "and what would be my love to the Superman, and to all that is to come, if I should counsel and speak otherwise! Not only to propagate yourselves onwards but UPWARDS" (Nietzsche, Zarathustra) (d) "he had a special term for this responsible preoccupation with his thoughts as he sat at his picturesque, secluded spot: he called it playing king'" (Thomas Mann, Magic Mountain).